My typical Saturday includes taking my dear friend, Kathy’s yoga class at 7:30 AM and then teaching at 9:00...but this was not a typical Saturday. As we started Kathy’s class in supta baddha konasana, I closed my eyes and the tears flowed. As is often the case, my body told me something was wrong before my mind could pinpoint what it was. I let the tears flow and just inquired. What is happening behind these tears? I realized that I was thinking about teaching my class without hands on assists. There was some doubt there. Will I accidentally touch someone because I’m so used to doing it? Will I just be walking around aimlessly? Yes, doubt was present, but that didn’t seem to be it. I kept going...Touch. What is it about touch? Touch is physical connection. It is often how we show affection, how we care for each other. In my family, we rarely greet each other without a hug. I am 41-years-old...and I still sit on my mother’s lap...and I’ll do it till she makes me stop.
Touch is the physical manifestation of connection. As my thoughts have been drawn to this virus more and more over the past week and especially the past two days, I keep coming back to how it shows interdependence, interconnectedness. We are a global community, and that is how this virus has spread like wildfire. Connection leading to a pandemic...pandemic leading to...fear. Oh my, yes. Fear. What do I crave when I feel fear? Care. Compassion. Connection. Touch. Can it be? Is this fear?
As I let this sit (while I was in the ultimate crying pose, half pigeon), I realized that I have been validating others’ fear...and neglecting my own. I don’t know how many times I have repeated, “I am fine. I will be fine.” And, honestly...I believe it to be true. I am (relatively) young and very healthy. I’m so privileged that I am unlikely to be financially devastated by this. And, honestly...I’m also afraid. I am afraid that someone I love will contract this virus. I am afraid that many more people are going to suffer. I am afraid that people will lose their businesses...and many will lose their lives, many already have. I am afraid that by acting from their own fear, people will not help others. But, ultimately, I am afraid of a life without connection, without the understanding that we are interdependent, connected, ultimately one.
Thank you, covid-19. You have shown me one of the things I have resisted most in my life: fear. Thank you, fear. You have shown me what I value: connection.